Dear Papa Zuma, when days are dark, friends are Niehaus

South Africa fails to understand the struggles and sacrifices of a father of an estimated 20 youngsters and the daddy of the nation. Papa, please let me share your story with them in order that they could open their eyes and see.

Expensive Comrade Chief Papa Zuma,

Our father who artwork in Nkandla, hallowed be thy identify. I belief this electronic mail finds you socially distant or, higher but, remoted.    

I’ve little question many a determined and fame-seeking #WMC #CR17 #ThumaMinaMedia wannabe journalist jonesing for a e book deal will write some form of op-ed or so-called evaluation of your scenario over the subsequent few days. Ignore them, Papa. This can be a time to concentrate on individuals who actually matter: household. Because the saying goes: when days are darkish, associates are Niehaus. No one desires that, so finest to simply stick near household.

You should be so happy with your son, the dashing younger Duduzane, who has kicked off a marketing campaign that may certainly unseat the iPad president. I learn that final weekend, whereas campaigning in KZN, he skilled one thing of an epiphany. He instructed a gathering of the hungry that “we did some door-to-door, what we noticed is that poverty is alive. Poverty has not left us.” No Dudu, it hasn’t, my boy.

I’ve at all times believed that it’s the accountability of a superb mother or father to shelter their youngsters from the hardships of the world till they’re prepared. Not many a South African mother or father has been capable of obtain what you will have, Papa, not many have been capable of defend their youngsters from the seemingly ever-present spectacle of poverty effectively into their late thirties. However one way or the other, in June 2021, after years of record-breaking unemployment, and 15 months for the reason that plague hit our nation, your 37-year-old presidential hopeful has simply come to the realisation that “poverty has not left us”. Cute. You made fairly the Dudu if you made that one. He’s actually particular. You should be beaming with delight.

I bear in mind again in Might when he instructed journalists about his plans to run for the presidency: “The plans are on. We’re entering into and we’re entering into thick and quick.” What refreshing honesty. Many politicians lie and current themselves as one thing they’re not, sharp and of a gradual thoughts. No, not so for this brilliant younger Dudu. He stands proud and loud in his fact, in who he’s: “thick and quick”. Cyril should be shaking in his boots.

I’m certain you’re equally happy with his twin sister, Duduzile. She’s actually come into her personal of late as a form of non secular centre for the household. Whereas the remainder of us, your followers, puzzled the way you have been doing after that – to borrow a Niehausian fact – “unjust sentence that has now been imposed on president Zuma by the Constitutional Courtroom”, the opposite Dudu took to Twitter to tell us that she “Simply Spoke To My Father, @PresJGZuma Is In Excessive Spirits And Has No Concern. We Have A Selection Between Serving Our Time In Jhb Or Nkandla… Of Course We Have Chosen To Be Shut To House. Lockdown Or No Lockdown We Will Escourt You To Serve Your Time.”

Superb to listen to, Papa. Not many South Africans can preserve an outlook so eternally sunny that the prospect of 15 months’ imprisonment would encourage “excessive spirits”. Simply have a look at their response to the previous 15 months of lockdown. Significantly, the Nationwide Coronavirus Command Council even gamified it for them into totally different ranges, however no, they refuse to be good sports activities. They might be taught a factor or 50 billion out of your stoicism.

Anyway, pay the ingrates no thoughts nor cash. Like I stated, this can be a time for household, and maybe a good friend or two in low locations. And you might be actually coated there. I recall again in February when your different Dudu took to Twitter to share certainly one of her brilliant observations, together with photographs of Bheki Cele’s not #NkandlaTea go to. She tweeted: “No #NkandlaTea was served however nice conversations and laughs have been shared amongst Comrades, certainly one of them being, ought to an arrest warrant be issued, it’s the Minster that will come and fetch @PresJGZuma [*laughing emoji*]”

So valuable, so prescient; I really like different Dudu a lot. And so it’d come to cross, as she predicted, that ought to you not hand your self in, the nice “Comrade” Bheks Celz should “come and fetch” you from the very place the place “nice conversations and laughs have been shared amongst Comrades” again in Degree 2 Feb.

Really, I need to say, as a fan of traditional gangster story tropes, I’m loving this Godfather-esque “prime cop and prime con fraternising on the mansion” storyline. So South African, and but so world. Which brings me to the principle motive for my electronic mail, which is to ask you in case you would enable me to go to you throughout your upcoming Degree 10-ish lockdown, to ask on your blessing to inform your story. I’ve lengthy been an admirer of your work. Nicely, to be completely trustworthy, not simply your work, however all the things about you. I’ve written a lot in these very pages, sharing the various methods I like you. You don’t have to take action now, however ought to you end up with plenty of time to spare within the coming weeks, please learn my essay, “Let’s twist once more, like we did final Zuma”, and in case you ought to end up on the lookout for solutions to a few of life’s deeper questions, please learn a few of my extra non secular writings on the wonders of numerology and the way the quantity 4 has constantly been the guiding gentle over your life. Even now, with the 15-month sentence, it continues to play a task. What’s 15 if not two digits that when the precise one is subtracted from the opposite, will give us… look ahead to it… FOUR?! And I hear you’ll be eligible for parole in… drumroll… FOUR months!

As a fan of your work within the underexplored and underappreciated area of Non-fictional Fictive Storytelling, I’ve held on to at least one dream above all others, that at some point I would be the one to inform the Jacob Gedleyihlekisa Zuma story; a narrative of braveness, ardour and stamina. I think about this to be a multiplatform manufacturing that may be instructed by a novel, a espresso desk e book, an Instagram account, a TikTok profile, a Eusebian multithread tweet, a 12 months’s value of Slack messages, and a multiseason Netflix documentary sequence that will put Tiger King to disgrace, with nine-hundred and thirty million three-thousand and six-thousand plot twists.

It will actually be a much better manufacturing than the low-budget piece of garbage I watched this week starring Justice Sisi. What was it she stated? “It’s certainly the lofty and lonely work of the Judiciary, impervious to public commentary and political rhetoric, to uphold, defend and apply the Structure and the legislation at any and all prices.” She and the manufacturing firm behind that complete movie would do effectively to be far much less impervious to aesthetics.

Don’t even trouble watching it. Terrible cinematography. The lighting is much too heat and yellow, particularly for such a chilly script and stilted supply. To not point out the horrible infantile font on the Justice’s identify plaque. Then there was that terrible red-brick half-wall behind her. I simply don’t get what’s taking place to our public establishments because you left workplace. Not less than if you have been in workplace you noticed to it that public funds have been spent on much more aesthetically pleasing interiors. Pardon my language, however pink f**king brick? Just like the stuff they use to construct the vacation houses of beforehand deprived Caucasians? Nkandla would by no means!!!

After which for her to say that the sentence is unappealable?!?!?! What within the Mazonne articles is that speculated to even imply? I’ve watched LLB tv since I used to be a toddler, from Night time Courtroom to Decide Judy to each episode of Regulation and Order, even the Regulation and Order: LA spinoff. I even watched the primary two seasons of The Good Spouse. And I’ve by no means heard the phrase unappealable! Significantly, what within the Dali Mpofu?

Anyway, let me not waste any extra of your time; it’s, little question, of the essence.

I hope you’ll think about my humble request, and permit me a go to, at the very least in order that I could current these concepts to you in individual, Papa. I actually imagine the nation wants to listen to your story from thine personal lips. Whereas daddy’s two particular Dudus appear to have blossomed and located their place on the planet, be it Nkandla or Dubai, I imagine the archive that would come out of this is able to be useful to your estimated 18 different youngsters, in order that at some point, they too might observe in your footsteps, and Dudu all around the nation, because it have been. Who wants the #Thembisa10 when you’ll be able to have the #Nkandla20?

I stay up for listening to from you. Please cross my greetings to Mrs Zuma, Mrs Zuma, Mrs Zuma and Mrs Zuma.

A loota continua!

M. DM/ML

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